Ella and I have been sharing some really great moments together lately. They are like honey to my soul. I was laying with Ella in her bed, tucking her in and asking about her day. In no time she had me cracking up, literally to tears, with a long, drawn out story about her morning. Complete with accents and all sorts of physical humor. I had been sick the day before and that morning woke up with a fever, so Todd changed a meeting and drove the kids to school. Apparently he brought them to the door, gave them a hug, and was off on his way. A far cry from the drawn out process they sucker me into every day. So she started to lament about her morning by telling me how "hopeless" she felt, "just standing there in the school, alone, and...completely hopeless. Just me, and my backpack, my backpack strapped to my back, and just my hopelessness." I was howling.
As we were laying there, me soaking her in, I remembered something a teacher I worked with used to say, "the hardest ones to love need to be loved the hardest." I think we all have those relationships that test our loyalty, stretch our capacity for forgiveness, they require us to give way more than we receive {I may be this person in your life, sorry}. And then there are the ones that just make us feel at ease, the give and take comes naturally, it feels peaceful and simple and we are filled up by their presence. I think the same is true in our mother to child relationships. I think the idea that it doesn't take work at times to love your kids is dishonest. Or at the very least the idea is perpetuated by those rare parents that have all easy-going, good-natured kiddos;) And honestly, I wouldn't trade one kind for the other. Both have purpose ~ one kind to teach, challenge and change us, and one kind to steady us, and keep us sane. I was thinking about an exercise that requires you to balance on a board and then throw a ball in the air and catch it. The act of trying to stay balanced while still throwing and catching supposedly works your core. Ella is that exercise. She, whether intentionally or not, seems to always be sending curve balls my way, throwing me off balance. Sometimes one or both of us gets hurt in the fall. Yet as time passes, and as she grows, but mostly as I grow {because I need it most}, I feel like I can keep my balance better. My "core" {spirit} is stronger, and only because of the little bit of ground I've allowed myself to give to God. He changes me so I can be the real kind of different. I do sometimes muster up the strength and patience to do the mom thing right, but it rarely lasts. I am learning to surrender what kind of mom I want to be to Him, and I see progress. Imperfect progress, but progress. I think the same is true for Ella. Over time her little heart has stored up memory verses, songs about Jesus, talks with Mom and Dad and Papa, she is making imperfect progress too. Of course some of the changes I see in her are just maturity. s-l-o-w-l-y but surely the feisty, hot-tempered little girl is giving way to a young woman. And oh my word I love her so much. I always tell Todd that if she knew how much I wanted her, how long I prayed and waited for her, that maybe she would cut me a little slack and take it easy on her poor Mama's heart. But I'm learning to be grateful for the way she challenges me. When she pokes and I react, it's a red flag to me that I need to raise a white one and surrender. Surrendering how I feel, surrendering what people think of me or her, surrendering my expectations and wants and needs. Ella teaches me about sacrifice, about not giving up, about humility, and about unconditional love. And she has also stirred up more love and joy in my heart than any other person in my life. So here's to hoping our "honey" days keep outweighing the "vinegar" moments, by a long shot.
One of the things I treasure most is alone time with my kids {and my husband for that matter, if I am lucky enough to get any!} I planned a girl's night for me and the Bean ~ Thai Bamboo for dinner, and then off to the Kari Jobe concert! We had so much fun and as usual, she had me laughing till Coke sprayed out my mouth, and she even had the waitress at another table laughing. We had just a few spare minutes after dinner so we grabbed Didier's for a treat to make the wait in line more tolerable {life lesson learned at Disneyland}.The concert was worshipful and meaningful, the very reason I adore Kari Jobe so much. But the highlight was watching Ella with her arms outstretched, singing her heart out to the Lord. Tears tumbled down my cheeks as I watched her and thanked God for her, for her life, her heart, and that she is mine.
