Blessed with another year of you

Dawson turned 5 today, my sweet boy came into the world  3 weeks early and gave me the most memorable Christmas I'll probably ever have. Usually I have a hard time when my children's birthdays roll around, birthday #1 and #5 seem to be my hardest, and honestly, I don't make apologies for it. There is something in my heart that struggles with my children growing up, and I have to believe that is a part of me that God designed and that makes me who I am. But today I can't cry because my boy is growing up. My heart and mind are fixed on a little boy that is dying and suffering and I can't find it in me to cry or be sad or feel blue because my healthy, beautiful boy is celebrating another birthday. Dawson has always pulled at my heart strings in a special way. My love for him isn't greater, I don't like him more than his brothers and sisters ~ but something in me holds on to him just a little more tightly, with more intensity. For some reason in the deep parts of my soul, I feel that he is fragile. Maybe it's just that he is tenderhearted and I am protective of that, maybe I feel guilty for having 2 babies when he was so, so young, maybe it's that he had to be tested for leukemia as a baby because of concerning symptoms, and my Mama's heart never really recovered from the reality that my worst nightmare could come true. I don't know what it is, but I feel like as he grows, I'm grieving a loss, that's the only way I can explain it ~ like I'm losing something I still have. But I do have him, and from the moment I brought him into this world he has always been such a calm to my soul, the sweetness in my day, the tenderness and affection I crave I can always find in my Dawson.
You are mine, today and always. I am blessed to be your Mom.
Brandon, may you find comfort and peace in the arms of your Creator. Godspeed little man.

Ella's 8, Let's Celebrate!

Your birth day, just hours old. This picture melts my heart, I LoVe that she's smiling, like she already knows I'm her Mama.

1st morning home

 Christmas Eve, the day before you were due! 11 days old

8 is GrEaT!

I can't believe my baby girls is 8, yowza, that sounds so old! She is such a doll and I just love her to pieces. She is really growing up and is stuck in that weird transition between little girlhood and being a mini Mama. Her birthday fell on a Tuesday, not the most exciting day to celebrate considering school was still in full swing. But luckily that didn't stop our forever friends from celebrating with me and the kids {Todd was in Canada} at Red Robin, per the birthday girl's request. I love the gifts she recieved, it describes her personality perfectly: Barbie make-up and hair kit ~ her girly side, and stilts ~ her circus/freak show/athletic tom-boy side. She giggled with her friends and licked every last drop of chocolate syrup out of her sundae dish before we threw in the towel and headed for home. We will give her a proper birthday party in a couple of weeks now that the Christmas craziness is fizzling out. Giggling girls, balloons, cake, and all sorts of festivities are in the near future.
Ella, I love you Bean. You made me a Mommy and I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain to you how special that makes you. When you become a Mama, then you'll know what you did to my heart. I will never, EVER forget racing to Tacoma in the snow to try {and ultimately fail} to be at your birth. But you were a little stinker and when your birthmom pushed the call light for a nurse, you took that as your signal to enter the world and shot out into the hospital bed, under the sheets, without a doctor or nurse in sight. Lordy, we should've known we were in for it with an entrance like that. But, we made it a few hours later and when I finally laid eyes on you, I instantly couldn't imagine my life without you. I still can't imagine how dull, quiet, and boring {did I mention quiet?} our lives and house would be without you. Sometimes I think we should've named you Joy. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy every day.

 The night before Ella's birthday the kids helped me make these Rice Krispy pops for her school party

Birthday morning! {I made her eat eggs and sausage too, I'm not that nice}

Christmas Mouse was ready to celebrate too!

Ella LoVeS the movie Tangled and is always walking around the house with towels and scarves on her head that she pretends is her super long hair. So on our sneaky get-away to Disneyland, Todd and I saw this Rapunzel hair and had to buy it, then I found a dress later that didn't drain her college fund like the ones at Disneyland. I'm sure she'll thank me later:)

 The boys and I joined Ella at her school celebration, here is her teacher reading the special book her classmates wrote for her.

 Ella, or should I say Rapunzel, and her bestie, Olivia.

My cute friends:)

Ella was a sweet Sis and let the boys use her make-up kit the next night, which they in turn used on me. I had to wash my face twice to get all the lipstick off my face!

Away in a manger no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head

"Jesus is the personal approach from the unseen God coming so near that He becomes inescapable. You don't have to find Him ~ you just have to consent to be found."

E. Stanley Jones

One of the traditions we started this year is one that my cousin Dawn's family does. We adapted it a bit for our young children, so here's how we roll at the Ruff house with what we call "a soft place for Jesus." I cut out long strips of soft flannel "straw" with the kids, and we talked about Christmas and what it truly means, and that the best gift we can give to God is our hearts. And if we have asked Jesus to come into our hearts, we want it to be soft and warm and tender, not hard and cold. So I explained that each time I saw them doing something kind, caring, giving, tender, showing self control, doing what is right...that they could put a piece of straw in baby Jesus' bed. The hope was that by Christmas, we could fill His cold, hard manger {basket} with soft, warm straw ~ and that our hearts would look the same as we celebrate his birth on Christmas day. It has been so precious to watch them really trying and to see the babies' chubby little hands lift out the baby and put straw under him, fixing it just so and then putting baby "Jesus" back in his bed. I think it's been a great tangible way for them to begin to understand how thinking of others is really an act of love we can show the Lord, and that it changes our heart in the process. I'm happy to report that our manger is soft and fluffy and full of straw a few days before Christmas, and considering the bad behavior that goes on around here, this is a Christmas miracle indeed.

And no, you're not imagining things, Baby Jesus is changing color ~ the kids kept swapping babies.

On a side note, one of the other things we did this year that has been really great for our kids is not putting gifts under the tree. It actually happened inadvertently ~ I'd been waiting to do wrapping so I could enjoy it when Todd was home from his business trips. But as the days went by without presents under the tree to look at and obsess over, we realized that it was kind of a wonderful thing! Don't get me wrong, I'm all about celebrating the MaGiC of Christmas and I love wrapping presents as beautifully as I can because I think it's festive and fun!  I remember as a child lying under the Christmas tree with my sister, looking at the lights, checking the tags to see whose present was whose, trying to guess what it was, and to see if it was from Mom and Dad or from Santa... But I love that they really haven't focused on or given much thought to the idea that they are getting presents, they haven't talked about it at all really and considering how spoiled and entitled they act at times, this has been a good thing for us.

Everydays at Christmas time

Charlie, you light up my life! And you also broke about 3 strands of Christmas lights "helping" decorate.

I could bite those lips off, but I won't.

 Mitchy circling his Christmas wish list ideas in a magazine. Same thing every time: the construction set of Matchbox cars.

 If we ever get snow maybe we can actually ski! By "we" I mean me and Todd. There will be no Rufflings on the ski hill for quite a while, for our sake and yours.

 I Christmas-ify everything I can, including my rain boots;)

 Mitchy calls himself "Daddy" now and has taken his role seriously, tending to his baby brother's needs. 16 minutes older is still older.

 I love seeing everything in 4's. I am blessed {and our food bill is ridiculous}.

Old Bailey Girl just ate a huge candy cane, oops.

Painting ornaments from Ninny.

Ooh, look at Mitchy's mouth and those lashes, yum.

You can tell Charlie's really concentrating, his tongue is hanging out:)

 I love our piano even more at Christmas time, all covered in garland and lights and our Christmas books.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree...

Not sure what caption to put here...

 Breakfast berry smoothies

Ghiradelli cocoa, fresh whipped cream, Christmas mug. Ahhh, doesn't get any better.

We've had some gorgeous sunsets lately, breathtaking. And these pictures don't do it justice, the colors were so vibrant it looked like someone painted the sky with neon spray paint!

Dawson is happy that his brothers are old enough for a good round of Ruff housing.

 Sweet Mitchy is into babies right now, so precious.

Snow White and the 3 stooges.

 Jesus take the wheel. I cracked up when I discovered baby Jesus driving the garbage truck while cleaning up toys:)

 My sister got me these towels, she knows me well.