Blessed with another year of you

Dawson turned 5 today, my sweet boy came into the world  3 weeks early and gave me the most memorable Christmas I'll probably ever have. Usually I have a hard time when my children's birthdays roll around, birthday #1 and #5 seem to be my hardest, and honestly, I don't make apologies for it. There is something in my heart that struggles with my children growing up, and I have to believe that is a part of me that God designed and that makes me who I am. But today I can't cry because my boy is growing up. My heart and mind are fixed on a little boy that is dying and suffering and I can't find it in me to cry or be sad or feel blue because my healthy, beautiful boy is celebrating another birthday. Dawson has always pulled at my heart strings in a special way. My love for him isn't greater, I don't like him more than his brothers and sisters ~ but something in me holds on to him just a little more tightly, with more intensity. For some reason in the deep parts of my soul, I feel that he is fragile. Maybe it's just that he is tenderhearted and I am protective of that, maybe I feel guilty for having 2 babies when he was so, so young, maybe it's that he had to be tested for leukemia as a baby because of concerning symptoms, and my Mama's heart never really recovered from the reality that my worst nightmare could come true. I don't know what it is, but I feel like as he grows, I'm grieving a loss, that's the only way I can explain it ~ like I'm losing something I still have. But I do have him, and from the moment I brought him into this world he has always been such a calm to my soul, the sweetness in my day, the tenderness and affection I crave I can always find in my Dawson.
You are mine, today and always. I am blessed to be your Mom.
Brandon, may you find comfort and peace in the arms of your Creator. Godspeed little man.